Urgh I feel terrible - I slept most of the night at my desk and I'm knackered and I've got to go to work today.  Quick - strong tea! now! *smokes a few cigarettes*.  This is how hangovers used to feel like before I gave up drinking minus the pounding head. idk....  How did I manage to sleep at my desk you may ask.  Well my tablets pretty much knock me out wherever I am at the time but I like to wait until they are starting to work before I actually go to bed; then there is a small window of opportunity before I conk out.  The heating doesn't work in the bedroom and it's cold in there and not very inviting, so  I need to sleep in like 10 jumpers! 

Back to work today and it was okay actually.  Then tonight I was out at the Zen group and we had a good meeting.  Been trying to catch up with everyone's posts and then realised I hadn't updated my own!  I've been insufferably upbeat all day - hey it's nice for a change not to feel depressed/anxious/paranoid.  Day off tomorrow so maybe I should get on with waxing my wooden shelves grr I keep putting it off.  Wondering where to get a good music website with internet radio etc as Yahoo Music is going to stop on the 15th, so they said.  I don't have an iPod so there's no point using iTunes?

I haven't read this book yet but it provides an explanation of the discoveries made about the brain that it can change.

The back cover says:
"In this fascinating and far-reaching book, Newsweek science writer Sharon Begley reports on how cutting-edge science and the ancient wisdom of Buddhism have come together to reveal that, contrary to popular belief, we have the power to literally change our brains by changing our minds. Recent pioneering experiments in neuroplasticity - the ability of the brain to change in response to experience - reveal that the brain is capable of altering its structure and function, and even of generating new neurons, a power we retain well into old age.  The brain can adapt, heal, renew itself after trauma, compensate for disabilities, rewire itself to overcome dyslexia, and break cycles of depression and OCD.  And as scientists are learning from studies performed on Buddhist monks, it is not only the outside world that can change the brain, so can the mind and, in particular, focused attention through the classic Buddhist practic of mindfulness.
With her gift for making science accessible, meaningful, and compelling, Sharon Begley illuminates a profound shift in our understanding of how the brain and the mind interact and takes us to the leading edge of a revolution in what it means to be human."

I'm beginning to think I'm getting a speech problem.  Lately when I try to say things I start stuttering and getting the grammar mixed up.  When people then start to listen more closely to try to understand me I get more anxious and my speech gets worse.  I don't like the sound of my own voice.  I don't think I ever have.

Oops I had an accident and went on www.lush.co.uk and ordered stuff!  (I'm supposed to be economising).  It's like I'm compelled to spend or something...

Oh well...onwards... 

My sister is ending her holiday with us tomorrow morning and I'm going to miss her.  Today she came up to my flat and we had afternoon tea and a natter.  At least she will be stopping over again on Friday night.

My holiday is over as well, I'm back at work tomorrow.  We'll be dismantling the shop windows and cleaning them as best as possible.  Seriously a challenge.

I wonder how everyone else is feeling right now, it being the New Year and we are still trying to remember to write the date as 2009 not 2008.  Maybe it's just me that is a bit slow to adapt. 

I won all the sports prizes!  Don't I look pleased...?  When did it all go wrong....lol

I was young once....this was taken in Pakistan during school holidays

Feeling a bit disturbed but I think it's because of taking my medication late this morning.  Today I think I will start reading a book and exercise my imagination!  I always used to enjoy reading but have hardly read anything in the last few years.  Any suggestions?

I have sent off for one of these marble mice:



Has anyone else got one?  Are they good?

I slept sitting in my desk chair again last night.  Funnily enough I never seem to get a sore neck (famous last words).  I had been playing around with a new program I got called "Buzan's iMindMap".  It's a new version since the last time I got it (it wouldn't install on my new PC because of the EULA) Anyways I want to try posting it here:





I don't think you can read it but you get the general idea?

There's something bothering me and that is that my mind just seems empty of thoughts/feelings/motivation most of the time these days.  I lack words when I wish I could say something in my diary or even to make conversation with people.  I fear that is the reason I don't have lots of friends in my town.  This emptiness burns me every day.

I like New Years Day... Hogmanay is rubbish but New Years Day is great because there is nothing going on and you get some peace and quiet and time to contemplate gently.  The weather has been beautiful today and there was a rosy sunset.

I want to learn how to use a digital camera that has been sitting in its box for months.  I'd love to post some pics.

I went down to the Square for the new year countdown and was completely sober while everyone around me was out of their box.  I spoke to a couple of people I knew but didn't find my work colleague whom I was supposed to be meeting.   I couldn't stand the crowd any more so I came up to my flat.  But the party continues outside with a live band (who are not too bad).  I was glad I met Bev who I know from hospital.  She was drinking a can of Carlsberg and offered me a drink but I said no.  However we wished each other happy new year.

I wonder if everyone feels awkward in a crowd or whether it's just me being socially inept. 

Anyway I wish everyone a happy, heatlhy and wealthy New Year xx

Today I did something sensible - got my prescription filled for Depakote which I haven't been taking regularly.  I really think it helps my angry feelings.  So I'm going to be taking it properly for a while.

You know how my sister ruined my dress, well she gave me enough to get a new one and we're friends again.  I hated being angry with her, and annoyed with myself for feeling angry about a 'thing' - how materialistic of me :/

It's really cold here but at least it's dry weather.  I'm going to the town Square for the bells tonight as it's right outside my flat.

The supermarket was mobbed today, no bread left on the shelves.  I got some chocolate milk mmm.

Pah!  I keep getting angry with my sister, my dad, my cooking, everything!   For example tonight the power was at low voltage and my dad wasn't doing anything about it, and he was bumbling about and I said something and he said "...and have some respect for your father!" which made me even madder because it's so not what I want to hear

Also my sister washed one of my delicate dresses wrong and ruined it.  But she won't admit it's ruined and pay for it.  She shouldn't have touched it (she has a history of ruining my stuff through clumsiness/thoughtlessness)

Like I'm supposed to be calm and nice.....SO NOT !!! 

Still getting my head together after the Norovirus aka the Winter Vomiting Bug,  mostly because I caught a cold at the same time and my nose is stuffed up etc etc

I haven't taken my Abilify today because I didn't miss it when I was really ill and I'm trying to come off it anyway.  Don't know if this is a good thing or not.  If I can manage without it then I will be making progress according to my psychotherapist. Still taking my Seroquel though.

Listening to singer Josh Groban.  He makes my heart twist in my chest!

I missed Xmas.  My sister and I stayed up on Xmas Eve to go to the church service which was quite good.  However when I got home I was uneasy and by 2am I realised I had caught the Winter Vomiting Virus from my sister-in-law and I was up all night with it.  Horrid horrid bug. I was exhausted and finally fell asleep about 7am.   Managed to take some fluids every 3 hours or so.   Was I annoyed?   I didn't care!  When you're sick I discovered you don't care what day it is or what you are supposed to be doing as you're too busy trying to feel better.  My brother and sister braved the contagion and visited me in the afternoon and brought a few Xmas presents with them but I only had the energy to open one and then had to wait about half an hour.

Meanwhile my mum is still recovering from wrist surgery, my dad had to go to bed with a cold and my uncle threw up overnight.  My sister is still recovering from a broken knee and my auntie is very frail with a fear of falling and needs a wheelchair most of the time.  Hope you get the picture - a bit of a disaster all round

I'm in bad shape, got the Winter Vomiting Bug last night and missed Xmas with my family.  Very weak.

It would be preferable if Xmas was next week as my family isn't ready for it!  My mum had surgery on her wrist last Friday and is needing looked after.  My dad seems forgetful and disorganised.  My auntie doesn't want to have Xmas at all.  And my sister in law and the kids have had the winter vomiting bug.  And my sister is still recovering from her broken knee.  And.... and....

My mum said "how are we going to get through the next five days?"  I said "we'll just have to muddle through" and "perfection is impossible".  There's a perception that Xmas should be fun, exciting and special, or so the advertisers/marketing would have us believe.  It's completely ridiculous!  Everyone knows the world's economies are struggling.  We ought to be thankful for what we've got instead of believing in some sparkly fantasy as an ideal.

I'm feeling apprehensive about Xmas because it will be a lot of work doing dishes and fetching and carrying and making cups of tea and coffee.  Nobody else seems to do it.  I don't suppose I would mind so much if I didn't think I was supposed to be having a fun, exciting and special day.

It's an anxious wait while my mum is in surgery for her hand and wrist.  I woke up at 8.30 am on the dot when the theatre was supposed to begin.  Going to telephone the ward in a couple of hours time to find out how it went.